New outsourcing opportunity for India

(Special to MadMan’s Web)

Move over call centres and data processing BPOs. The future of outsourcing belongs to another industry, if Indian Minister for Commerce, Kamal Nath, is to be believed. According to Nath, the next new wave of growth in the Indian economy will come from – believe it or not – the protest industry, now being referred to as SPO – Strong Protest Outsourcing.

Speaking at a news conference in New Delhi, Kamal Nath briefed reporters that he sees major business opportunities in getting Western countries to outsource their protests to India. Nath said, “the outsourcing business is about saving costs and increasing efficiency. Why should people in countries like USA and UK waste their time protesting over various issues? The per-capita income is too high to waste time on being offended. Instead, they can simply outsource this activity to Indian companies.” Asked whether Indian companies were globally competitive in this market, Nath confidently added, “Can you think of any country better suited for this business? India is a diverse country with people of many faiths and beliefs. We have a rich history of being offended at every little thing, from western expressions of love like Valentine’s Day to what someone names their dogs. I am certain that we can be the dominant player in this market in the next five years.”

After the press conference, Kamal Nath granted MadMan’s Web an exclusive freewheeling interview in which he talked at length about this new business opportunity, India’s competence in this area, and the government’s special initiatives to foster growth in the industry.

MadMan’s Web: Mr. Nath, thank you for giving us this chance to interview you.

Kamal Nath: My pleasure. This is the Internet age, and blogs are fast becoming a powerful medium of disseminating information.

MW: Mr. Nath, could you please tell us a little more about this new opportunity for India?

KN: The world is far from a peaceful place. Every day, there are protests in Europe and North America over several issues. Part of being democratic countries is allowing people the right to protest against what they think is wrong. But protests also waste productivity. When  people are protesting, they are not contributing to the economy of their nations. So instead of protesting themselves, they can simply outsource their outrage to Indian companies that will specialise in this area. They can then go about their daily lives, confident that their protests are in safe hands.

MW: Why are you so convinced that Indians are the best suited for this activity?

KN: Of course we are the best! First of all, Indians have been offended at pretty much everything over the years. If you’ve written a book that’s even slightly controversial, there are sections that want it banned. If you make a movie that tackles bold themes, you can expect howls of protest about how it’s corrupting impressionable young minds. If you wear a female tennis outfit just like everyone else in the tennis world, somebody will be quick to point out how you are no longer a good member of your community. So let me assure you, no matter what the subject of the protest is, we Indians are capable of delivering a strong protest. Our service standards are world-class and globally competitive. When it comes to protesting, we are the epitome of “unity in diversity”! With our wide range of religions, beliefs, and castes, we are champions at being offended and having our sentiments hurt.

MW: How did this great business idea strike you?

KN: If you remember, we have been making a strong push for India as the next global economic superpower at forums such as the World Economic Forum at Davos. Recently, when I was following the fall-out of the controversial Danish cartoons, I was stunned to observe how competent our fellow countrymen were at protesting over cartoons that they had not even seen. If our people are so skilled, can you imagine how good they can be at tackling well-known global issues?

MW: How will you convince foreign countries that there is a serious cost-saving in outsourcing their protests to India?

KN: This is simple. In fact, I had an opportunity to discuss this with US President George W Bush on his recent visit to India. If you want hard numbers, consider this: The per-capita income of USA is $40,100 per year. The per-capita income of India is just $530 per year. Is there really any reason for an American citizen to fritter away so much money protesting issues like teaching evolution in schools and allowing gay people to marry? Why not simply let us Indians handle that instead? While the Americans save money by working, we will do the protesting for them. We can carry placards, go on hunger strikes, block traffic for hours, and even torch buses and break shop windows if required.

MW: Can you give us a couple of examples what kind of issues could be outsourced?

KN: Sure. For example, we can protest gay marriage if the Americans want us to. We have laws criminalising homosexuality, so it’s a walk in the park. The Bush administration wants to promote abstinence in USA, but why spend dollars on that? We have long been looking down at people having sex before marriage, and we even protested when a well-known actress said it was ok. We have proven competence in these things already.

MW: Do you really believe that SPO (Strong Protest Outsourcing) can be bigger than the regular BPO industry already in place?

KN:  Definitely! The youth of India are in need of employment. BPO, while it has provided employment to many, also has to deal with two big problems: training and attrition. Employees need quite a bit of training to handle their jobs, and many of them keep switching jobs, leaving companies helpless. But look at SPO – it has absolutely no training needs. Unemployed people can be recruited by the hundreds of thousands, given some basic instructions on how to protest, and then unleashed to do their jobs. As for attrition, it doesn’t matter in the least if some protestors quit. There are thousands more that can take their place. This industry could potentially solve India’s unemployment problem. There are thousands of issues available globally where the protests can be outsourced.

MW:  What steps is the government taking to encourage companies to handle protest outsourcing projects?

KN: The government is going full steam ahead on this. A committee, headed by Ravi Ali Joseph Singh, has been formed to identify volatile issues all over Europe and North America. Ravi Ali Joseph Singh is a veteran government official who belongs to four major religions and has suffered almost his entire life being offended by insults to his religions in this country. We believe he is best suited for this new foray. We will constantly keep the press informed of the developments in this matter. Meanwhile, if budding entrepreneurs want to explore this new opportunity, we encourage them to contact the Ministry of Industry in New Delhi and we will provide all the guidance we can.

MW: Mr. Kamal Nath, thank you very much for your time.

KN: Thank you.

32 thoughts to “New outsourcing opportunity for India”

  1. Does the ministry provide venture capital? I am looking for seed capital to buy petrol, some flags and hire an effigy maker.

  2. Thank you for the laugh. I was looking at new of the protests by the Pakistanis against American and thought “that’s really scary. Look how we’re hated.”and then I read on to see that they protest the Danish and the cartoons and the this and the that….and it’s like, they protest everything. That made me rest a little easier.

  3. I finally see West Bengal re-emerging as a leading economic force in India. After all, protesting has been honed over the years to an art form in the state. Halelluia! The glory days of Bengal are back and once again, it has been proved that what Bengal thinks today, India thinks tomorrow!
    Incidentally, I think Kamal Nath must have contacted Mamata di — she must be on board as special advisor to the Ministry of Protest.

  4. Hilarious, but truly feasible! 🙂
    My $0.02 – There should be a regulatory body – Ministry of Protest (MoP, for short), coz it could clean up, literally. 🙂 Protestor skills should be harnessed, and improved through proper training.
    Another thought, if a baseball/basketball player in the US is left out of the side, we can always take up the issue in the Indian Parliament.

  5. Madhu,
    I was on the phone with Praful and Arundhati this morning, and they were fuming at this capitalistic encroachment on the rights of the poor people to protest against whatever their political leaders tell them to protest about. They felt that the right to drag people on to the streets must not be sold away to evil capitalists, and those imperial Americans.
    They said they’re going to protest against Madhu Menon and Kamal Nath; in front of the glass panels of a certain restaurant in Bangalore known as a capitalist/imperialist hangout.

  6. There is a key difference though.
    In case of the recent BPO boom, we perform so well because we don’t have much of native demand for that kind business processing within India; which is hardly the case when it comes to SP, quite unfortunately (at the same time it is fortunate because that gave us a lot of domain knowledge).
    So, the foreign countries will have their own apprehensions to outsource their SPs to India. We will have to prove our competence by showing that our resources are aplenty and people are willing to put themselves into other domains of SP as well, apart from the native ones. I think that should be our next step.

  7. Wow!! Can they outsource their President too? We can have Siddhu as the US President – Siddhuisms are even better than Bushisms 😉

  8. What if we want to protest against this protesting arrangement? Will it be called SP against SPO?
    What if US or UK want to protest against us? Do we have to do it ourselves :O ?

  9. Yeah.. and we can partner with China to make the necessary props.. like life-size effigy dolls, Danish/US embassy kits, Flammable Flags etc

  10. nice blog Madhu ..
    i came here from a college mail group maintained by mujib ..
    had heard abut your restaurant from colleagues .. after reading your blog, must visit there and taste your food..

  11. What an amazing idea!
    The best part about SPO would that the people in the US and UK, protesting against SPO killing domestic jobs would be able to use our services.
    So we would have people of this country who are protesting that the jobs should not have been outsourced to this country.
    That would be fun!!!

  12. hey man,found your blog thru Gaurav sabnis’….you guys are like veterans round here huh :)…btw pretty funny post…liked that farewell one too.will be back *will check out your taurant once bk in BLR*…caio

  13. There are few things which are hidden
    Who will be producer for protest outsourcing from USA and who will be the consumer from Indian prospective.
    Why US government will bother much about what is happening outside of the country against them , as long as their people are working, they even dont look at the protest no matter in which country it is happening.

  14. There are few things which are hidden
    Who will be producer for protest outsourcing from USA and who will be the consumer from Indian prospective.
    Why US government will bother much about what is happening outside of the country against them , as long as their people are working, they even dont look at the protest no matter in which country it is happening.

  15. As not of a poet, I can’t help but to express my pain,
    The pain of no love.
    How long can I watch others dwindle in each other?
    How long can I imagine my perfect one?
    Dance around with him in complete lonliness.
    Though it just a illusion I put upon myself,
    I wish for once fiction and non-fiction would swich for one day.
    ————?Pain Of No Love?

  16. Madhu,
    I am rolling on the floor…couldn’t stop laughing…Hillarious….awesome.

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