New outsourcing opportunity for India

(Special to MadMan’s Web)

Move over call centres and data processing BPOs. The future of outsourcing
belongs to another industry, if Indian Minister for Commerce, Kamal Nath, is to be
believed. According to Nath, the next new wave of growth in the Indian economy
will come from – believe it or not – the protest industry, now being referred to
as SPO – Strong Protest Outsourcing.

Speaking at a news conference in New Delhi, Kamal Nath briefed reporters that
he sees major business opportunities in getting Western countries to outsource
their protests to India. Nath said, "the outsourcing business is about
saving costs and increasing efficiency. Why should people in countries like USA
and UK waste their time protesting over various issues? The per-capita income is
too high to waste time on being offended. Instead, they can simply outsource
this activity to Indian companies." Asked whether Indian companies were
globally competitive in this market, Nath confidently added, "Can you think
of any country better suited for this business? India is a diverse country with
people of many faiths and beliefs. We have a rich history of being offended at
every little thing, from western expressions of love like Valentine’s Day to
what someone names their dogs. I am certain that we can be the dominant player
in this market in the next five years."

After the press conference, Kamal Nath granted MadMan’s Web an exclusive
freewheeling interview in which he talked at length about this new business
opportunity, India’s competence in this area, and the government’s special
initiatives to foster growth in the industry.

MadMan’s Web: Mr. Nath, thank you for giving us this chance to
interview you.

Kamal Nath: My pleasure. This is the Internet age, and blogs are fast
becoming a powerful medium of disseminating information.

MW: Mr. Nath, could you please tell us a little more about this new
opportunity for India?

KN: The world is far from a peaceful place. Every day, there are
protests in Europe and North America over several issues. Part of being
democratic countries is allowing people the right to protest against what they
think is wrong. But protests also waste productivity. When  people are
protesting, they are not contributing to the economy of their nations. So
instead of protesting themselves, they can simply outsource their outrage to
Indian companies that will specialise in this area. They can then go about their
daily lives, confident that their protests are in safe hands.

MW: Why are you so convinced that Indians are the best suited for this
activity?

KN: Of course we are the best! First of all, Indians have been
offended at pretty much everything over the years. If you’ve written a book
that’s even slightly controversial, there are sections that want it banned. If
you make a movie that tackles bold themes, you can expect howls of protest about
how it’s corrupting impressionable young minds. If you wear a female tennis
outfit just like everyone else in the tennis world, somebody will be quick to
point out how you are no longer a good member of your community. So let me
assure you, no matter what the subject of the protest is, we Indians are capable
of delivering a strong protest. Our service standards are world-class and
globally competitive. When it comes to protesting, we are the epitome of "unity in
diversity"! With our wide range of religions, beliefs, and
castes, we are champions at being offended and having our sentiments hurt.

MW: How did this great business idea strike you?

KN: If you remember, we have been making a strong push for India as
the next global economic superpower at forums such as the World Economic Forum
at Davos. Recently, when I was following the fall-out of the controversial
Danish cartoons, I was stunned to observe how competent our fellow countrymen
were at protesting over cartoons that they had not even seen. If our
people are so skilled, can you imagine how good they can be at tackling
well-known global issues?

MW: How will you convince foreign countries that there is a serious
cost-saving in outsourcing their protests to India?

KN: This is simple. In fact, I had an opportunity to discuss this with
US President George W Bush on his recent visit to India. If you want hard
numbers, consider this: The per-capita income of USA is $40,100 per year. The
per-capita income of India is just $530 per year. Is there really any reason for
an American citizen to fritter away so much money protesting issues like
teaching evolution in schools and allowing gay people to marry? Why not simply
let us Indians handle that instead? While the Americans save money by working,
we will do the protesting for them. We can carry placards, go on hunger strikes,
block traffic for hours, and even torch buses and break shop windows if
required.

MW: Can you give us a couple of examples what kind of issues could be
outsourced?

KN: Sure. For example, we can protest gay marriage if the Americans
want us to. We have laws criminalising homosexuality, so it’s a walk in the
park. The Bush administration wants to promote abstinence in USA, but why spend
dollars on that? We have long been looking down at people having sex before
marriage, and we even protested when a well-known actress said it was ok. We
have proven competence in these things already.

MW: Do you really believe that SPO (Strong Protest Outsourcing) can be
bigger than the regular BPO industry already in place?

KN:  Definitely! The youth of India are in need of employment.
BPO, while it has provided employment to many, also has to deal with two big
problems: training and attrition. Employees need quite a bit of training to
handle their jobs, and many of them keep switching jobs, leaving companies
helpless. But look at SPO – it has absolutely no training needs. Unemployed
people can be recruited by the hundreds of thousands, given some basic
instructions on how to protest, and then unleashed to do their jobs. As for
attrition, it doesn’t matter in the least if some protestors quit. There are
thousands more that can take their place. This industry could potentially solve
India’s unemployment problem. There are thousands of issues available globally
where the protests can be outsourced.

MW:  What steps is the government taking to encourage companies
to handle protest outsourcing projects?

KN: The government is going full steam ahead on this. A committee,
headed by Ravi Ali Joseph Singh, has been formed to identify volatile issues all
over Europe and North America. Ravi Ali Joseph Singh is a veteran government
official who belongs to four major religions and has suffered almost his entire
life being offended by insults to his religions in this country. We believe he
is best suited for this new foray. We will constantly keep the press informed of
the developments in this matter. Meanwhile, if budding entrepreneurs want to
explore this new opportunity, we encourage them to contact the Ministry of
Industry in New Delhi and we will provide all the guidance we can.

MW: Mr. Kamal Nath, thank you very much for your time.

KN: Thank you.

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32 Responses to New outsourcing opportunity for India

  1. amit varma says:

    I’m offended by your post and would like to protest. Can you tell us the number of the ministry please?

  2. Chandni says:

    Har..Har..Good one Madhu!

  3. Anil says:

    Does the ministry provide venture capital? I am looking for seed capital to buy petrol, some flags and hire an effigy maker.

  4. condused says:

    Hahaha,
    Real smart one. And yes I want the number too.

  5. confused says:

    and that was confused. Lol

  6. gabrielle says:

    Thank you for the laugh. I was looking at new of the protests by the Pakistanis against American and thought “that’s really scary. Look how we’re hated.”and then I read on to see that they protest the Danish and the cartoons and the this and the that….and it’s like, they protest everything. That made me rest a little easier.

  7. rEEna says:

    Gosh!
    This was a riot!
    Monday is gona be smoooth :)
    rEEna

  8. I finally see West Bengal re-emerging as a leading economic force in India. After all, protesting has been honed over the years to an art form in the state. Halelluia! The glory days of Bengal are back and once again, it has been proved that what Bengal thinks today, India thinks tomorrow!
    Incidentally, I think Kamal Nath must have contacted Mamata di — she must be on board as special advisor to the Ministry of Protest.

  9. dev says:

    Hilarious, but truly feasible! :)
    My $0.02 – There should be a regulatory body – Ministry of Protest (MoP, for short), coz it could clean up, literally. :) Protestor skills should be harnessed, and improved through proper training.
    Another thought, if a baseball/basketball player in the US is left out of the side, we can always take up the issue in the Indian Parliament.
    ~Dev

  10. Nitin says:

    Madhu,
    I was on the phone with Praful and Arundhati this morning, and they were fuming at this capitalistic encroachment on the rights of the poor people to protest against whatever their political leaders tell them to protest about. They felt that the right to drag people on to the streets must not be sold away to evil capitalists, and those imperial Americans.
    They said they’re going to protest against Madhu Menon and Kamal Nath; in front of the glass panels of a certain restaurant in Bangalore known as a capitalist/imperialist hangout.

  11. Zero says:

    There is a key difference though.
    In case of the recent BPO boom, we perform so well because we don’t have much of native demand for that kind business processing within India; which is hardly the case when it comes to SP, quite unfortunately (at the same time it is fortunate because that gave us a lot of domain knowledge).
    So, the foreign countries will have their own apprehensions to outsource their SPs to India. We will have to prove our competence by showing that our resources are aplenty and people are willing to put themselves into other domains of SP as well, apart from the native ones. I think that should be our next step.

  12. Sajid says:

    Lovely post.Thoroughly enjoyed it.

  13. malapati says:

    Good one. Keep it up.

  14. fonzter says:

    nice one! u got a great blog here! :D

  15. Vimal says:

    Wow!! Can they outsource their President too? We can have Siddhu as the US President – Siddhuisms are even better than Bushisms ;)

  16. Aparna says:

    What if we want to protest against this protesting arrangement? Will it be called SP against SPO?
    What if US or UK want to protest against us? Do we have to do it ourselves :O ?

  17. Ajith says:

    Yeah.. and we can partner with China to make the necessary props.. like life-size effigy dolls, Danish/US embassy kits, Flammable Flags etc

  18. Tony Thampan says:

    nice blog Madhu ..
    i came here from a college mail group maintained by mujib ..
    had heard abut your restaurant from colleagues .. after reading your blog, must visit there and taste your food..

  19. Vijay says:

    Too good….. SPO industry will be a juugernaut that will solve all our problems in a jiffy …..
    VJ
    http://india-it-pulse.blogspot.com

  20. Crazy Genius says:

    What an amazing idea!
    The best part about SPO would that the people in the US and UK, protesting against SPO killing domestic jobs would be able to use our services.
    So we would have people of this country who are protesting that the jobs should not have been outsourced to this country.
    That would be fun!!!

  21. mathapan says:

    ivan aalu puliyaanu kaetoo

  22. Kingsley says:

    Am I dreaming, or did you actually get NO serious responses to satire? India is changing. Wow.

  23. Zero says:

    Kingsley, mine was. Get out of your dream and hop over to my previous comment :).

  24. Mind Curry says:

    lol..very interesting blog madhu. loved it.
    p.s. hope you know the SPO capital.
    i love shiok even more. what a brilliant idea!

  25. bvn says:

    hey man,found your blog thru Gaurav sabnis’….you guys are like veterans round here huh :)…btw pretty funny post…liked that farewell one too.will be back *will check out your taurant once bk in BLR*…caio

  26. Outsourcing says:

    offshore kpo business will continue to flourish as long as US and other European countries outsource their highly domain based tasks to inda. You may visit at Knowledge Process Outsourcing to know more outsourcing business.

  27. Sumit says:

    There are few things which are hidden
    Who will be producer for protest outsourcing from USA and who will be the consumer from Indian prospective.
    Why US government will bother much about what is happening outside of the country against them , as long as their people are working, they even dont look at the protest no matter in which country it is happening.

  28. Sumit says:

    There are few things which are hidden
    Who will be producer for protest outsourcing from USA and who will be the consumer from Indian prospective.
    Why US government will bother much about what is happening outside of the country against them , as long as their people are working, they even dont look at the protest no matter in which country it is happening.

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  30. khaja Naquiuddin says:

    Madhu,
    I am rolling on the floor…couldn’t stop laughing…Hillarious….awesome.